2019: A Year (and a Decade) in Review

Every December I like to reflect on the previous year, to celebrate how far I’ve come, what I’ve achieved, and what I need to work on to make the next year even better. 2019 also marks the end of a decade, the first decade of adulthood for me and the first time I’ve given serious thought to the direction I want the rest of my life to take, asking questions like “what do I want my life to look like?” “What does success mean to me?”, and “what truly makes me happy, and how can I bring more of that into my life?”. “My Life” always seemed like a future concept, something too large and abstract to be able to shape – it’s only recently that I’ve realized that “my life” is what’s happening to me right now, the decisions I make every day, and the things I fill my time with.

This decade had some great highlights for me, but were mostly characterised by self-esteem issues, overthinking, emotional turbulence, and various mental health challenges. I published a short retrospective earlier this year about my twenties (which coincided with the 2010s – I turned 20 in 2009), where I wrote:

There are so many things I wish I had done by now. My mental health in my late teens and early twenties meant that I couldn’t see very far into my future, and when I did look forward, all I could see was mundanity and pain. … I look at some of my peers who are out there doing amazing things, and I feel behind in my life. There are certain big life things I haven’t done yet – find my dream job, mostly, but also a few big formative things that I wish I’d done in my early 20s, like backpacking, road tripping, discovering what my passion is, and a load of music-related things like recording and releasing more music. It’s difficult to not feel regret about those things.

Although those feelings are still true, I try to remind myself that age is arbitrary, and self-actualisation is a lifelong project. I don’t have to be a perfect, well-rounded person with most of her bucket list ticked off my the time I reach 30. The important thing is to keep moving forward, and to acknowledge the progress I have made. The last decade has been difficult in some ways, but definitely formative, and I’ve ended up in a place that I’m mostly optimistic about.

Highlights from the last decade

Studied at university, lived away from home for the first time ever, volunteered with the Student Union, got involved in student activism, won a Student Experience Prize, and graduated from university on time with a 2:1
Worked my way through a series of jobs until I reached a job with decent pay and job satisfaction where I feel as though I can use my intelligence and creativity (although I’m still figuring out what I want to do with my career long-term)
Various music things, including: recorded 3 EPs, released an EP and went on a mini-tour of the UK, wrote enough material for 5+ albums, recorded 2 albums’ worth of demos, collaborated with various local musicians, performed my biggest gig in front of 2000 people, learned how to play the ukulele and played it live in front of a 100-person audience, re-learned how to play the guitar after 10 years away from it and played it live, learned how to play the bass and played it live on stage in a band, performed lead vocals live for a band for the first time ever!
Published 20 issues of my perzine, 5 issues of Sonorus: Feminist Perspectives on Harry Potter, and various one-off collaborative fanzines
My zines have ended up in zine libraries around the world, including Tate Britain and the London Feminist Library
Been interviewed for various zines, dissertations, and PhDs about zines, and spoke at an academic conference about zines and activism
Travel – notably, New York, Amsterdam, Berlin (my first solo trip, and one of the best experiences of my life!), Tokyo, Kyoto, Hiroshima, Mannheim, and Stockholm (read my travel diaries here)
Came out as bi/queer
Got involved in the local LGBTQ community, helped organise various large-scale LGBT events including Swansea Pride 2018, and a city-wide vigil for Orlando
A very long, stop-start mental health journey from being an awkward anxious teen to being a slightly less awkward anxious adult who sometimes passes as normal
Various intangible mental and emotional changes, mostly around improved self-esteem and emotional resilience
Co-organised 2 successful zine fests! 2009 me would be so fucking proud!
Met someone new, fell in love, moved in together, created a lovely home in rural Swansea, went on various adventures, now living together in a happy long-term relationship
Made loads of new friends and acquaintances
Took up running, and went from being unable to run even 1 minute without wheezing, to running a 12k (I’m currently training for a half marathon!)
Blogged fairly regularly for the entire decade (all archived here on my blog)
Various public speaking gigs including International Women’s Day, LGBT History Month, and Bi Visibility Day events
Tried abseiling, surfing, rock climbing, bouldering and hiking

Things I’m better at now than I was 10 years ago

Small talk and socialising
Playing the piano, guitar, ukulele, bass, and singing
Public speaking
Writing
Being spontaneous and proactive
Giving things a go without being terrified of fucking up
Forgiveness
Nuance, and moving away from all-or-nothing thinking (sometimes, at least)
Emotional resilience and recovery
Recognising mental illness triggers and managing them
Thinking about death and grief without spiraling
Running and general fitness
Doing my hair and make-up
Giving (slightly) less of a shit about what other people think of me
Handling my fear of spiders – these days I can remove spiders from the house without killing them, even the big ones!
Knowledge of equality issues, especially LGBTQ equality
Project management (I wanted to acknowledge a work-related skill, but yeah, yawn)
Avoiding procrastination
Self-love and self-confidence

Things I want to get better at in the next 10 years

Small talk and socialising. This seems to be a vital part of being successful in basically any capacity, so I have to keep trying with this one.
Being proactive
Patience
Taking risks
Making decisions, and committing to them – even when the outcome is disappointing
Music improv
~~Finding~~ Making time to do creative things outside of work
Overcoming jealousy and feelings of inadequacy
Making sure my quietness doesn’t come across as aloof/cold/disinterested – projecting more of a warm friendly vibe. (I have slight Resting Bitch Face. I’m working on it.)
Upper body and core fitness/strength – I would love to be properly buff and muscular for at least a few weeks of my life. I’ve been thinking of doing a LeeLoo cosplay (5th Element) so perhaps this could coincide with that.
Posture. No more slouching!

I started to feel some anxiety this winter about bringing old projects and problems over into a new decade; I felt pressure to tie everything up in a neat bow and start 2020 with a clean slate. Of course, that didn’t happen – things are rarely that neat and tidy in reality. Still, it feels like a good place to end the decade in many ways – I’m happier, more knowledgeable, more confident, more mentally resilient, and more driven to achieve the things I want to achieve. 2019 was actually a pretty great year – probably the best year I’ve had in my adult life. 2019 was also the first time as an adult that I truly liked myself. Liking yourself seems like a nothing, selfish goal, but it leaves such a big hole in your life when you don’t have it. Liking myself means that I can finally see positive things in my future: success (whatever that may look like), but also adventure, exploration, possibilities, and the ability to bounce back from fuck-ups. For the first time ever, I’m excited for what the future holds. To paraphrase Walt Whitman: I, now 30 years old, begin my life anew, hoping to cease not until death…

2019 Highlights

Travelled alone to Stockholm for the first time – a lifelong dream! Read my travel diary here.
Co-organised the second annual Swansea Zine Fest
Said goodbye to a job that made me unhappy
Started a new job that challenges me daily, and is a better use of my skills, knowledge, and creativity. It’s also the first time I’ve worked full-time for a few years.
Played the guitar live for the first time in over 10 years, to an audience of 100+ people at the Pride Cymru Big Queer Picnic
Played a few piano gigs in the Swansea area, including at the Swansea Fringe
Published two issues of my perzine – buy them both at my shop page
Ran the Swansea Bay 10K – my first ever 10k!
Went running 2 – 3 times a week for the entire year
Made new friends and socialised regularly
Attended a regular yoga class for most of the year
Went to loads of great live gigs including: Bikini Kill (read my thoughts about the evening here), Rachel Bloom, Amanda Palmer, Gary Numan, and Garbage.
Got my conch pierced
Got a new tattoo
Visited the Harry Potter Studio Tour in London for the first time
Visited Stonehenge for the first time
Had a course of singing lessons for the first time since school
Cosplayed as Wonder Woman at Swansea Comic Con (costume built by my very talented partner Daf, whose work you can check out here)
I turned 30 this year! Had a wonderful birthday party with my closest friends

2019 Best-Of Lists

Fave new-to-me albums of 2019:

Mitski – Be The Cowboy
Lana Del Rey – Norman Fucking Rockwell!
Birdeatsbaby – The World Conspires
Mother Mother – Eureka
Poppy – Am I A Girl?

A song that will always remind me of 2019: Remember my Name – Mitski

Fave Films of 2019:

Booksmart
The Favourite
Rocketman
Midsommar
Captain Marvel

Fave Books Read in 2019:

Good Omens – Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett
The Haunting of Hill House – Shirley Jackson
Queer: A Graphic History – Meg John Barker
Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal – Jeanette Winterson
Wayward Son – Rainbow Rowell

Fave podcasts listened to in 2019:

Buffering the Vampire Slayer, a spoiler-free podcast that discusses every episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer one at a time with a queer feminist slant.
The Weekly Planet, a weekly podcast that covers comic book, action, and sci-fi movies, TV shows, and games.
Miss Thing, a podcast that deep-dives into the pop/rock female singer-songwriter genre.
Cool Playlist, where host Eliza Skinner creates very specific playlists each episode, including Gay Prom, Goth Wedding, and First Day In A Cool New Outfit.
Drive All Night: The Songs of Tori Amos, a podcast that analyses every Tori Amos song one at a time, with line-by-line analysis, quotes, fan reactions, and live bootlegs.

Coming next: goals for 2020, and hopes for the next decade.