Nearly a graduate… *sob*

Posted by blatantblithe on April 2, 2011 Blog posts | Personal | Social | University | | 3 comments

This is me.

I’ll be moving back to Wales for good in May, where I have to leave my theology behind, be a proper adult and find a job. *sob*  I’m feeling really sad about growing up and leaving university, for a number of reasons.  First, I really love my academic work.  I spent the first two years of my degree hating theology and wishing I’d chosen something else, but when I got to third year, everything fell into place.  I think it was a combination of my depression beginning to clear, feeling less like an academic imposter who’d made her way into university by some fluke, and interesting modules being offered (or should I say, modules being offered that were to my interest).  I’ll be so sad to leave it all behind. Look at what I’ve been reading recently for an essay:

Alien Sex - Gerard Loughlin

Such a good book – and Barbarella is on the front cover! (Ok, I know Barbarella is a problematic character from a feminist point of view, but still… she appeals to my inner gay sci-fi geek) There’s a cracking analysis of the Alien films inside there too.  <3

Second, I feel as if I’ve only made an effort to be sociable in my third year, when it started to come to an end.  Obviously I was full of enthusiasm in the first few weeks of university, but when it became apparent that university was actually quite difficult and I was still the same awkward shy girl from school, I just retreated into myself and gave up.  The depression was the main cause of that, sure, which is why I’m feeling more sociable now that I’m almost in the clear.  Still, it’s very disheartening to think that I don’t have much to show for those first two years of university.  Last night I went out for drinks and Wagamama with some of my classmates and our lecturer, and it just broke my heart to think that I’ll never get to sit by these people and chat to them again; that the next time I will see them will be graduation day, if I see them again at all. (Last night was lovely, but also very difficult… I was very annoyed at myself for being so damn shy and awkward though. Ugh.)

Third, I’m terrified of being an adult and being forced to enter the real world.  I can fill my days quite easily reading, writing, and doing crafty things.  I dread to think what my life will be like when I’m working 5 days a week, with no energy left in the evenings to do anything other than veg out in front of the TV.

Of course, there are lots of things about university life that I’ll be glad to leave behind – the awkward seminars, co-habiting with other students, constantly feeling mentally exhausted due to writing so many essays, and being broke.

I don’t really feel like a theology graduate… I still feel like I’ve cheated my way to the end of the degree by taking lots of disparate modules that don’t fit together, and not really learning what I’m “supposed” to learn as a theology student.  But then, a lot of theology students have said the same thing when I’ve spoken to them about it, so maybe I’m just expecting too much of myself.

There are 6 weeks and 13,000 words between me and my degree at the moment.  Once I’ve made some headway with the essays and dissertation, I’m going to start blogging properly, promise.  At the moment, my blog is just a messy way of documenting my life, but I’m going to start writing more, because I’m going to start doing more.

As for what comes next, I’m still unsure.  To be honest, I’d quite like to spend a few months building myself up, emotionally and physically, by catching up on my reading, taking up some sort of sport, writing more zines, finish recording my album (that project is currently on hiatus due to my partner, the guy in charge of recording this, not having any time at the moment… SO frustrating), play some gigs, and trying to find friends in my hometown.  I’m quite keen to throw myself into my music for a few months and seeing where that takes me, even though it’s not really a viable career choice or anything… I know I should be doing something more practical with my time, but meh, life’s too short for such dull things.  Caitlin Gwynn and I are looking into setting up a feminist group in Swansea so we can meet some kick-ass women at home and do some campaigning – that’s going to start coming together over the summer, so if there are any Swansea feminists reading this who want to get involved in setting this up, do get in touch!

Spill the Zines is still going strong, and we’re getting lots of visitors every week.  I posted my first zine review post there yesterday. However, there doesn’t seem to be a great deal of news to report… either that, or people aren’t getting in touch with us enough.  Please keep emailing us your zine-related news at spillthezinesukATgmailDOTcom!

Life Update: I bought a typewriter on eBay for £2.99 a few days ago!  What an amazing find!  I’m currently in the process of restoring her so I can start writing with her.  Photos to come soon.

Zine Update: My split-zine with Tukru is now being stocked at Amber’s distro, Fight Boredom, and at Marching Stars distro!

Day Zero Update: Watched more films, did more stuff. Take a look here.

3 Comments

  • Nic said on Apr 6, 2011 3:39 pm

    “Third, I’m terrified of being an adult and being forced to enter the real world.”

    This worried me too and I know it worried my sister, although she’d rather walk across hot coals than admit it. If it’s any help, I didn’t really notice much difference. I still felt like the same person, it was still me, it just happened to be a me that was working. Don’t get me wrong, the idea of looking for graduate jobs terrified me, as I didn’t want to spend five days a week working. It felt like I was signing my life away. But it made my weekends count, I can squeeze so much in. And I write on the way to and from work, I read in my lunch break. There are ways around everything.

    Trust me. You’ll find time to do the things you want.

    And don’t beat yourself up about having been shy. Hindsight can be a real pain in the neck and it isn’t as though you never came out of your shell. It’s best to have done it late on than to have never done it at all.

    Anyway, I hope everything works out well for you. :)

    • Catherine said on Apr 6, 2011 6:59 pm

      Aw, thanks so much for your lovely comment. Yeah, I guess with getting a graduate job it’s the whole fear-of-the-unknown thing too. x

      • Nic said on Apr 8, 2011 9:06 am

        Yeah, that’s definitely a lot of it. Things always look a lot scarier from the outside .

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